highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
