Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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