we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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