I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
