I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Randomize
