I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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