I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
