There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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