And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize