So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Randomize
