I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
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