time to smoke my breakfast
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
