Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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