I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
