OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
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