I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
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