Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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