Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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