There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
We talked him into tasing himself.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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