Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
