so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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