A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Randomize
