Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
