You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Randomize
