Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Randomize
