I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
