ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
