Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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