He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
