If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Hippo gnu deer
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
