You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
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