There was a lot of him and a little penis
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
