that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
