we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
