I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
You can't special order awesome
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
