i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
you made out with another girl for some wings
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
