I'd wear matching sweaters with you
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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