I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
