Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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