who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Randomize
