You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I'm bleeding and have questions
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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