I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
