just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
