My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
