I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
