yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
