Little spoons don't ask big questions
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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