now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Sober January is a disaster.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
