you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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