Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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