god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
