By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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